high five!

oh wow,
I miss everyone these days.
I miss home.
yes, living alone does have its ups and downs.

downer: you have to deal with everything by yourself.

case in point:
when you forgot to stock up your pads.
and you have your menses in the middle of the night.
and there's no kedai runcit nearby except the one that you have to walk like 10 minutes away.
and it'll be closed by that time.

ah well, I remember what my mum used to told me that back in her days, of course there's no sanitary pads, so girls/women of that days used the cloth, one that could absorbed the blood properly and put it on the underwear. DONE.

so, I tried to do the same.
tried to find any cloth that's suitable. at least, for the night only.
I found two cut-offs from my inner t-shirt's arm that I cut it off to make it a short-sleeved one and that's it.
those two were enough for me.
at least, for the time being.

for the first time, I've one experience to feel like what my mother used to have to do when it's her days.
and it's weird.
like I have to check on it to make sure it doesn't fall off and that night I've restless sleep..
so the next morning, I woke up expecting leakage everywhere, but Alhamdulillah, none.
that's not BAD at all.

I high-five myself for something well done.


note to self: always always remember to re-stock my sanitary pads.. 




p/s: i can't wait for next weekend! :)

that I would be good.

That I Would Be Good/Use Somebody,Smoakstack Sessions Vol.2

I always love Kelly Clarkson. she's such a great vocalist.
 like her lungs must be bigger than everybody else. 

and she'll always be my favourite AI alumni along with Chris Daughtry.


oh wow, a mere mention of lungs remind me of something.today I went to a private clinics to do medical check up for my scholarship, and as usual, the usual procedures, urine test, vision test, bp taking and the chest x-ray.
then the consultation with the medical doctors. I have to wait like an hour plus just to saw the doctor.
and wow, the doctor sure talks a lot. like a lot. 
from nuclear reactor to the importance of exercising. 
and guess what.

the doctor told me I have scoliosis.
based from my chest x-ray films.
my spine have a very minor S-curve (the curve is less than 10 degrees).

thus, no wonder I occasionally have pains on my backside these past months.

but it's not a bad thing I guess. 
since it's only minor.
but still, it need to be prevented from the worst to happen. 

just have to limit myself on doing a very heavy work. 
yeah, just that plus exercise and practice to have a good posture whenever I can. 
and I think I have to wear backpacks to class. 

main point is: let's take an utmost care of our body.


onto another stuff; (yes I jumbled up everything in one post because I can).

as usual, my internet routines.
tumblring, twittering and a lot of other fun stuff. 
well yeah, internet is a fun innovation that have ever existed in the world.


and i stumbled upon this quotes.
thought I might share it here.

it felt weird reading this. 
a good kind of weird.

77 days

'Perfect maturity is when a person hurts you, and you try to understand their situation and never hurt them back'

@solidariti

i)  i realized lately i've been violent with everything, the way i encounter life and all within. i don't know the cause whether it's due to the never ending workload or the people around me. i'm an easily absorbed person (not self-absorbed,okay).
 i absorbed everything around me. whether it is emotions, environment, or anything at all. it's dangerous if i don't know how to control it. to filter it. to minus all the negative elements. 
and that's what i'm doing right now. allowing the negativity to flow through me and let it out at everything i can. it's not healthy.
the current phase of my being is not healthy. 

i think it's high time to take a break. 
ah well, let's anticipate next week, for i'll be going home.
rejuvenating.


ii) listen to this.

Decorate by Yuna at Taylor Sessions

spot the additional lyrics?
no?

here it is: 

(1.57)
You do this all the time
You come and you go like I'm nothing, you know.

Every time you come back to me
I'm prepared to watch you leave
You can't make your mind though
About me

I imagine what it's like
What if you might leave everything and come home
But I know that you won't
After what I've been through
I'm  still worry about you

You're letting  go all your friends
It's definitely the end

(2.42)


p/s: yesterday was October 15.
it's been two years...Al-fatihah...

wake me up when...

I figured this is the third week I'm here, here as in being a postgraduate student in UKM, Bangi. a lot of things happened. no kidding, really a lot of things happened. from the first day i stepped into here. 
and i have a lot of stuff to tell.
fret not, i'll not bored you with every details but here's a few of the highlights:

before that, there are four of us, USMKK's alumnus, F, Q, A and myself.

1. The Residential College:

here's the thing, if you're planning to further your study at UKM as postgraduate students either in masters or Ph. D , know that you're not automatically given the hostel or residential college as what they're known here.  you've to figure it out yourself. usually, the given college for postgrad are two colleges, Kolej Pendeta Zaa'ba and Kolej Keris Mas. these two college have the highest rate among all of the colleges here, because they have many facilities compared to the others (ATM, photostat and printing services, mini groceries shop and much larger cafeteria). the rate is rm6 for double room and rm7 for single room.

so, my friend (F) and I, we don't have any single idea of what forthcoming us, so on the second day of registration day, we registered at Zaa'ba since it's closer to our faculty compared to Keris Mas ( i tell you, you've to go in/out of the entrance gate no 3 to get to my faculty, imagine that). 
AND being me, I asked for a single room, whether it's available or not and the lady at the counter told me and F that at Zaa'ba they don't have single rooms. Inside my head I was like, REALLY? no single room in this very large college? but since I'm as new as a newborn, I shut up and be grateful of whatever room she gave. then, she put  me and F in a same room, and that's a big NO NO  for us. okay, first of all we don't have any problems or we are not fighting with each other, it's just it's really uncomfortable for me to be sharing the room with my course mates. no privacy, and how boring would that be because all day everyday you're going to see the same person. going to classes you see her, then going back to your room you would also see her. imagine that. 

come, celebrate.

it's a bittersweet celebration

anything else would be superfluous.

on what matters

[one of these days, I'll delete everything and concentrate on what matters]

~ 

I guess this is what it takes on growing up. A few months ago, I'm so excited to graduate, and fast forward today, yes, graduation scares me. 
I've been privileged in my whole life ;never have to racking up the cash to pay the bills or my own school fees. It'll always come off from other people's hands. 

To tell you the truth, I'm most scared right now, of what my future looks like. To graduate means I have to bear all the responsibilities by myself ;no more slacking away.  And the way I see it today, yes the real world that we live in is in fact a harsh world. And how do I do it when I don't feel like I'm an adult. Yet. Just yet, I believe.

I think this is the period of adjusting. For everything.
And it is important to stay level-headed and stay winning. 


~~

' The more I grow, like an ashamed mother
Should I let the knot between my dream and hand loosen and come undone?
That can't happen . '

{ Epik High, Fallen Blossoms }



~~~


A week ago marked the second year since my father's death.

'' It will get easier ''

In some ways it has; 
but I still have days and moments when it's just as painful as that day. 

Al-Fatihah. 

at 24

'I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination'

-Jimmy Dean-

Alhamdulillah.  :)

Mubarak ya Ramadhan.

"Verily actions are judged by intention." [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim]  ©

salam Ramadhan.

this is the second year I'll be fasting at home. Alhamdulillah.
though I'll be missing the tarawih in mosque at uni, I'll make sure to do it at home albeit alone or together with my mother. InsyaAllah.


I've made a few resolutions for myself during this blessed month.


the first one is to pray jamaah with my mother as much as i can. 
i still have to learn and i pledged to myself to keep on learning and don't be afraid. have faith to yourself to be a better muslim. InsyaAllah.


the second one is i planned to do tadarus with my mother and sister.
divide the juzuks to three and we'll recite the Al-Quran together during the afternoon. InsyaAllah.


the third one is to do tahajjud prayer abundantly. InsyaAllah.


the fourth one is to maximize the good deeds. 
zikir, charity or sadaqah,  more of helping out around the house, do not talk bad about other people, controlling my temper-learn to be more patient, and read more ilmiah books.
it's good to be ambitious on something good.


let's pray that Allah will give guidance and make our path a lot easier for us in this blessed Ramadhan. let this be our turning point to life of closer to Allah S.W.T


keep in your  prayers to have the opportunity to meet the Lailatul-Qadr, a night that is better than a thousand months.  


keep in your prayers to have forgiveness from Allah S.W.T.


keep in your prayers for all of the good deeds to stay permanently with you for the rest of your life, not only for Ramadhan. Istiqamah! InsyaAllah.


Alhamdulillah for this amazing opportunity to have a blessed Ramadhan to gain closeness, forgiveness, and His mercy to us. 

A Dua' for forgiveness:

Allahumma innaka 'afuwwun tuhibbul 'afwa fa'fu 'annee 

أَللّهُمَّ إِنَّكَ عَفُوٌّ كَرِيْمٌ تُحِبُّ العَفْوَ فَاعْفُ عَنّيْ 

this post serve as a reminder for myself and you too.  :)

underneath everything.

wow. 
finally.
the closure to my four years of being an undergrad student.


this might be the last time i'm blogging by using usmsecure network. sniff sniff.


when i think back of the time i first stepped into usm, in the year 2008,  my late father and my mother were the one that send me off.
and today, in the year 2012, my second sister will be the one to pick me up.


how i wished my father would be able to attend my convocation. how i wish. 


well, underneath everything, i learned a lot.
 i learned that what ever things you thought is impossible after all could be made possible.
i learned that though you may have a lot of  friends, at the end of the day, the only thing that's left is you by yourself. a man gotta manned up. 
i learned not to being too judgmental on every one. save you doubt for any other days. learn to accept people the way it is.
i learned to be more carefree. i learned on how to improvise, to survive, not to undo the mistakes but learn from it and chin up.
i learned that above all, my family is my everything. stick together until whenever.


the things i cherished the most is the chances of getting to know amazing people. 
lecturers and friends.
i 'm not one to open up to people. if i'm comfortable enough then you would be able to 'see' me. i'm not one of goody-two-shoes.
so, being able to make a couple of friends from here is truly an amazing feat for me. 


however, sometime someway, i learned that somehow, my decision of taking up this degree is kind of a mistake. 
i realized that I've potential on other things, but sadly with little guidance, i just kind of stumbled here.  
yes, i do have regrets but everything's written and can't be undone. 
so i gotta live my life. 
remember, you have to be thankful! . 
imagine what would happen if i never got the place in usm in the first place. 
where would I be now?






aaaanndd a friend from tumblr  asked me yesterday, so what's next for you since you've completed your degree?


i think about it for  a little bit and my answer;


'I've applied to a couple of uni for postgraduate program.  and will keep up to date with any  job offerings. for the meantime, i'm going to enjoy my hoolidayyy!'


happy holiday. 
and let's go for life and loved ones. 


{get up & Let's Go! }

just my luck

Just my luck, thank you
and Alhamdulillah.


I don't know, 
in my dumbest moment and full of regret,
then came a savior or a knight in shining armor to save me.


Just my luckiest luck,
I shall not take anything for granted and stop asking for more.

thank you. 





p/s: on a side note, I'm going home tomorrow (technically, today). Alhamdulillah. 

kadang-kadang.

orang hanya berani berkata-kata di hadapan komputer,
mencari kebahagiaan dengan 'dissing' ,


orang berani melangkah jauh ke hadapan,
meninggalkan yang lain di dalam 'mediocrity',


orang itu dilimpahi kebertuahan,
melangkaui 'good timing',


orang itu dihormati, disegani semua,
menunjukkan dia itu seorang yang 'wise',


orang itu berdiam, berpeluk tubuh, kekal tersenyum,
memerhatikan ragam orang yang macam-macam.

Alhamdulillah,
thank you Allah.

Dari Abu Hurairah R.A , Nabi Muhammad S.A.W bersabda:

''Sesiapa yang Allah kehendaki kepadanya kebaikan, nescaya Allah mengujinya"
(Riwayat Al-Bukhari).

tendency

- i admit that i have the tendency to scrutinize mistakes in people's writing in whatever medium. the mistakes including grammatical error, spelling mistakes etc. but i didn't go to extra length by telling them on the face about the mistakes if it is minor. and also, depending on what medium of it. if it's done on twitter or blog posts, Facebook updates or LiveJournal entry, then i'm perfectly fine. but if it's done for learning and teaching process, in newspaper, in movies or dramas (i'm looking at you Korean dramas), then it is not alright. because surely it could affect people who reads it. this makes me wonder why i didn't take up English major or TESL degree in university instead of doing this radiation thing.

- many said that i could be a great leader given the chance. i think so too. but if i met people that could lead me well, i tend to follow their lead. as with my friends, with A i tend to lead on everything, deciding on this and that, but with Z i tend to just laid back and follow her. hence, i want my future husband to be a great leader. one that could show me the way and have vision in life. one that could be my Imam for the rest of my life.

- i am a hot-tempered person. especially with my family. with my mum. i remembered i used to throw things when i'm mad or tired. this especially, exclusively heightened up when i'm 2-3 days away from my menses. the swings of the mood is so incredible that i tend to have many insane thoughts that is not healthy and many more. i would become really emotional even my sister always said that she hates me when i'm having menses. sometimes i have to remind my mum that the time is about to come, and she'll understand not to do anything that could make me go out of control. yes, it's selfish.

- i'm not a shopaholics but i love to shop the same thing. i have 2 or three shirts with the same designs but in a different color.it's  the same with shoes, specifically pumps and flats. oh how i love flats. and i couldn't content with just buying one. when my friends when to go shop her things, i always end up buying a lots of things than her. especially foods. foods and me is forever relevant.

so this post is totally about my tendencies. my most prevalent one. so what's yours?

it's been a long time since I posted anything in here.

heh, it's expected since I so have trouble in committing to something.

yeah, commitment.

that's why until now I tak kahwin kahwin. heh, unrelated.

it's just that my life is so not stable right now, been very busy, what's with my final year project, my broken lappy and my health that is not in a good condition. lately, when I went anywhere, my classmates and some random mak cik told me that I looked pale.

huh? maybe I've to start putting on some make up.

case in point: today at lab

zorep: hai ana!

aku: hai!

zorep: cari apa ana? eh, ko nampak pucat la! tak pakai lipstick kot. hehehehe

aku: hehehehehe. (sejak bila aku pakai lipstick? eh! pucat ke muka aku?)

so yeah.

but it maybe because I haven't had my lunch at that time.

and I've been thinking a lot lately.

about the decision whether to do M Sc. after I completed my degree.

about what I could do after this.

and about my family.

yes, my family.and no no , it's not about my home sick-ness or anything.

of course, I do missed my family. a lot.

but it's just something is happening in my family. something that is not good. and it hurts.

it's hurting my mother,and although she keeps her composure all the time but in her eyes. it shows.

and all of this is happening after my father passed away.

sometimes I do wonder why he leave us so early. just like that. it's so sudden I couldn't even

I do dream of what could have been if he is still here.

I do think of what he would say, what he would respond to me.

I longed for his jokes and his advice.

I missed him so much.

but this is fate. I always believe in Allah's way for His servant. whatever He does all have meanings behind it. and as a daughter I could only send doa's for him. and do sadaqah on his behalf. InsyaAllah.

and for you that still have your parents.

love them. treasure them. be good to them.

for when they're gone, no one could ever replace them.

their love for you is irreplaceable.

I've become emotional. again.

and I'm sure tomorrow I would wake up with puffy eyes. again.

cahaya di hujung terowong karak.

so I think there's always

light at the end of the tunnel.

despite life's giving you lemons, you still can make lemonade out of it.

and whatever comes your way just chin up and brisk along with it.

and along the way, don't ever lose yourself,

keep your ground and stay humble,

and be grateful.

and remember even if someday you stumble upon shits,

just samak.

and continue walking, running and hopping. or even crawling.

InsyaAllah. :)

p/s: now, finally finally finally, I have my FYP's title and I think it's awesome. I get to make a phantom. per my friend, ' wow, you got to put your name on it' . ヽ(゜∇゜)ノ

but then only if the project succeed.

hello december

so, 4 days has passed since my birthday..

nothing much happened. no celebration.

just myself spending some time alone.

but I do get a few meaningful messages from friends and families.

that's more than enough, I think.

at least in this era of facebook is the news center, some still consider giving calls and texting as one way of communication, as a way to convey greetings, wishes, etc.

thank you because you don't forget.

in another note, ha! the dean asked to see me. i think because i screwed up my ca. oh, well.

maybe later today I'll see him and let's see what he have to say.

que sera sera.

i can't wait to get out from this hole.

current feelings... (3)

right now, I'm doing my assignment for the clinical.

I think my mind is not as messed up as in the previous post.

I mean, I'm still a lil bit unstable but I'll try my best to hinder whatever satanic,demonic, evilest intention or thoughts.

I figured it is new year after all, why not turning over a new leaf and strive forward and for the best.

I'm not that young hormonal teenagers anymore , heck I'll turn to big 2-3 years old in coming days so let's just grow up and straighten up your mind and heart, pretty please.?

I don't know why but maybe this is coming from the sudden realization after watching matluthfi's latest videos entitled 'rokok dan kopiah'. (He's my ultimate favouritest Malaysian vlogger).

a few of beautiful things to ponder from his video:

- rational vs belief.

-you're never alone if you start to depends to 'yang tidak mati' (ALLAH S.W.T).

-even the most optimistic person on earth will finally seek for some dependency like turns to his religions, beliefs, etc. when his life has turned upside down.

-strict religion is not the better religion.

-you wonder why Allah sometimes doesn't give what you wanted most after you've continually, constantly praying, performing solat etc. but the question is. does your Ibadah's sincere enough? Ultimately, sincerity is the key point.

I think I've yada yada too much.

bye.

remember september

oh hai.

rase macam da la lame sangat tak update kat blog ni.

rasa macam busy gile macam Najib busy nak bentang bajet. ooh, bajet da bentang ea.

dapat gelanggang futsal, pendidikan free, penjawat awam digalakkan sambung belajar, yada yada yada.

oklah, clap clap clap la untuk kerajaan rakyat didahulukan.

oh,

actually, ni bukan tujuan utama nak update ni.

nak story apa yang terjadi sepanjang bulan september yang lalu sahaja.

*queue lagu wake me up when september ends*

of course, start new semester, maknanye aku da jadi super senior ye. rase otai nak mampos.

jalan pegi klas rasa cam tak jejak tanah, nampak junior lalu buat muka serius sambil tengok name tag mereka.ahahaha.

feeling yg awesome.

ok, clinical kat hospital mcm biasa, class petang2 ade..

aha! nak cerita.

24 sept aritu aku telah menghadiri Korean Music Wave Concert kat Stadium Merdeka.

ok, aku follow kpop. fullstop.

bile aku free, i'll make separate entry for story telling of my experiences there.

then, i have jamuan raya for my course and main point here is,

i think the last year's organizer was much much better organizer than this year's.

no tables and we've to hold the plates. pshhhtt! susah tau nak makan.

and the food is okay la but the nasi impit is way too soggy for my taste. (tp amik 2 pinggan jugakkk)

the next day, ada picnic with the girls at Jeram Mengaji. supposedly, we wanted to go to Jeram Linang but the day before ada klua paper news pasal ada student mati lemas kat situ.

so, tukar tempat perkelahan la kami.

nevertheless, very verily FUN-lah!

em, dengan aktiviti2 di atas dan aktiviti2 lain yg tak layak masuk dlm update ni, I have an ENJOYABLE September.

so, what's up with my October?

well, Langkawi is on the lists. :)

rase nak balik kampung, nk p tgk arwah abah.I mean his graveyard.

lately, I've been missing him badly..

the other day while walking at laluan farmasi, there's one Pak Cik wearing kopiah and I swore that I've been staring at him. sorry pak cik!

but yes, I do missed him. badly.

and when I saw old couples walk together, it hits me..

you tend to make your life busier, pretend that everything is going down smoothly,

you find distractions with daily life.

but always in your own, loneliest times,

at night, before you close your eyes,

when you saw the pictures, on your table,

when you want to send text messages to people and saw Abah in your contact lists,

when you see families eating together at restaurants,

a father kissing his daughter/sons,

when you looking through all the best wishes and good lucks in your inbox and there's none that reads from Abah..

it hits me that,

not forgetting him is easy,

but there's always subtle aches to my heart,

and secret tears still flows without reasons,

what it meant to lose you. no one will ever know..

Al-Fatihah.

lists to do before I die

okay, bored gile..

1. be an emcee for whatever event (done! and I receive another offer! this time it's for bigger event. :) )

2. go to glastonbury's festival

3. watch MUSE live in action

4. watch Big Bang live in concert (partially done! GD & TOP and Seungri, only short of Daesung and Taeyang)

5. go to South Korea

6. visit Mecca, one for umrah and for Haj

7. bungee jumping

8. ride a rollercoaster 

9. ride an aeroplane alone

10. cook meals for entire family

11. buy house

12. singing in front of other people with microphone ( I sang Yuna's song!)

13. watch Manchester United at Old Trafford

14. meet Mitch Albom

15. travel anywhere with only my mother to accompany me 

16. shopping alone

17. watch Adele in concert

18.get married

19.have kids

20.have grandkids

21. climb Mt. Kinabalu

22. holiday at Karambunai, Sabah

23. para sailing

4/23 , March23rd,2012.

will edit later.