77 days

'Perfect maturity is when a person hurts you, and you try to understand their situation and never hurt them back'

@solidariti

i)  i realized lately i've been violent with everything, the way i encounter life and all within. i don't know the cause whether it's due to the never ending workload or the people around me. i'm an easily absorbed person (not self-absorbed,okay).
 i absorbed everything around me. whether it is emotions, environment, or anything at all. it's dangerous if i don't know how to control it. to filter it. to minus all the negative elements. 
and that's what i'm doing right now. allowing the negativity to flow through me and let it out at everything i can. it's not healthy.
the current phase of my being is not healthy. 

i think it's high time to take a break. 
ah well, let's anticipate next week, for i'll be going home.
rejuvenating.


ii) listen to this.

Decorate by Yuna at Taylor Sessions

spot the additional lyrics?
no?

here it is: 

(1.57)
You do this all the time
You come and you go like I'm nothing, you know.

Every time you come back to me
I'm prepared to watch you leave
You can't make your mind though
About me

I imagine what it's like
What if you might leave everything and come home
But I know that you won't
After what I've been through
I'm  still worry about you

You're letting  go all your friends
It's definitely the end

(2.42)


p/s: yesterday was October 15.
it's been two years...Al-fatihah...

it's been a long time since I posted anything in here.

heh, it's expected since I so have trouble in committing to something.

yeah, commitment.

that's why until now I tak kahwin kahwin. heh, unrelated.

it's just that my life is so not stable right now, been very busy, what's with my final year project, my broken lappy and my health that is not in a good condition. lately, when I went anywhere, my classmates and some random mak cik told me that I looked pale.

huh? maybe I've to start putting on some make up.

case in point: today at lab

zorep: hai ana!

aku: hai!

zorep: cari apa ana? eh, ko nampak pucat la! tak pakai lipstick kot. hehehehe

aku: hehehehehe. (sejak bila aku pakai lipstick? eh! pucat ke muka aku?)

so yeah.

but it maybe because I haven't had my lunch at that time.

and I've been thinking a lot lately.

about the decision whether to do M Sc. after I completed my degree.

about what I could do after this.

and about my family.

yes, my family.and no no , it's not about my home sick-ness or anything.

of course, I do missed my family. a lot.

but it's just something is happening in my family. something that is not good. and it hurts.

it's hurting my mother,and although she keeps her composure all the time but in her eyes. it shows.

and all of this is happening after my father passed away.

sometimes I do wonder why he leave us so early. just like that. it's so sudden I couldn't even

I do dream of what could have been if he is still here.

I do think of what he would say, what he would respond to me.

I longed for his jokes and his advice.

I missed him so much.

but this is fate. I always believe in Allah's way for His servant. whatever He does all have meanings behind it. and as a daughter I could only send doa's for him. and do sadaqah on his behalf. InsyaAllah.

and for you that still have your parents.

love them. treasure them. be good to them.

for when they're gone, no one could ever replace them.

their love for you is irreplaceable.

I've become emotional. again.

and I'm sure tomorrow I would wake up with puffy eyes. again.

rase nak balik kampung, nk p tgk arwah abah.I mean his graveyard.

lately, I've been missing him badly..

the other day while walking at laluan farmasi, there's one Pak Cik wearing kopiah and I swore that I've been staring at him. sorry pak cik!

but yes, I do missed him. badly.

and when I saw old couples walk together, it hits me..

you tend to make your life busier, pretend that everything is going down smoothly,

you find distractions with daily life.

but always in your own, loneliest times,

at night, before you close your eyes,

when you saw the pictures, on your table,

when you want to send text messages to people and saw Abah in your contact lists,

when you see families eating together at restaurants,

a father kissing his daughter/sons,

when you looking through all the best wishes and good lucks in your inbox and there's none that reads from Abah..

it hits me that,

not forgetting him is easy,

but there's always subtle aches to my heart,

and secret tears still flows without reasons,

what it meant to lose you. no one will ever know..

Al-Fatihah.

My Father's Daughter.

It is impossible for me now to ever forget what this day means to me.

The day he was born.

The day the man who was fated to be the man i called abah.

He was always there for me in both body and spirit, showing me by his living example what it was like to be a father and a husband, that it was possible for a man to show tenderness, to be unafraid of open affection with his children, and to be a loving husband. He was selfless with us all.

It is impossible to speak of my father without also speaking of my mother, because they were one. Together, they showed me what true love was like, taught me what a marriage should be. A part of my mother is him. And for my mother to have this kind of strength now after her better half has gone, I have no words to describe it.

I never doubted that he loved me. Though he never say it out loud. We always hugged. When I am small, when he had to leave for work or went to the other home, he always kissed me on my forehead. When I had my exam results, he was always ready with his bear hugs and kiss on my forehead. Now I wonder, who would be able to give me the same love?

That is the greatest gift that a father can give to his daughter.

I will always love you and I will always miss you.

Al-fatihah....

Abah; October 15th, 1947- August 07th, 2010

note: dlm minggu ni ada few times aku mimpi arwah abah.. tapi ustaz kata kalau kita mimpi orang dlm mimpi tu berckp ngan kta tu maknanye syaitan yg menyamar tapi kalo orang yg kita mimpi tu diam je itu mungkin la benar..

Wallahualam.

kesimpulannya, kalo mimpi ke teringat ke baik la sedekahkan bacaan al-quran, solat sunat etc.

Ada tiga perkara yang ditinggalkan di dunia, maka simati tetap mendapat pahala.

1) Derma kebajikan (seperti derma membuat surau, sekolah pndok, pusat tahfiz, etc)

2) Ilmu yang memberi manfaat

3) Anak yang soleh.